January 3, 2006

I feel his pain...

Something is troubling with my Coco Puff and I can't point it out, but I'm feeling his pain---it's the strong rapport we have......

Today after I got off work I was feeling really warm inside.
I called him and without even returning the "Hello" I said
"I love you and I want you to know that I really care about you and feel blessed that we have what we have. I've been in love before, but the emotional feelings that I have for you are nothing like what I have for you. I love being in love with you."

For the next 30 minutes without letting him say anything since the initial "Hello", I told him how much I cared about him and how happy he makes me and reminisced on the past 6 (almost 7) months we've shared together.

He was speechless.

It was cute
He was just in awe and was really tickled.
He said I made him feel like a little school boy.

Mission Accomplished!

I wanted him to feel good
I was feeling really good at that moment and he was all that I could think of and the warmth that came over me lead me to say those things to him. It was my way of letting him feel appreciated.

That was around 10:30pm

We just hung up, what time is it? A little after 1am
And my Coco Puff didn't sound too good.

I asked him what he was doing this weekend.
He said nothing.
I have Thursday and Friday off this week and I asked him if he wound mind me driving down.
He said he does mind.
I asked him why and if he didn't want to see me.
He said he didn't know why, but he minds.

Now I'm sad.

This weekend will be 2 weeks since I last saw him.
I know it's not that long, but when it was time for me to come back out here for school we devised a plan to see eachother every two weeks. A total of only TWICE A MONTH. The first 2 weeks he would come out here to Rhode Island and visit me on campus. And the next 2 weeks I would drive home to New York to go see him.

It hasn't been going like that.

When I first came back to school, the last time I had seen him was August 19th and I didn't see him again until September 4th when my girl and I went to New York for the West Indian Labor Day Juve and Parade. So that wasn't even a real visit.

After that I saw him the weekend of September 23rd, which was our first real personal time together.

After that I seen him the weekend of October 14th and the weekend of the 21st. This was the first month we seen eachother as scheduled.

After the weekend of the 21st I didn't see him again until Thanksgiving. He was here for 4 days, but the in between time is what is bothering me.

After Thanksgiving he was too busy with work to come down anytime before Christmas so I didn't get to see him until Christmas.

Now, my winterbreak is soon to be over and this new job has me occupied just about everyday. I figured we could both jump on this opportunity, right?

But he minds if I drive down there...

WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH THAT?!?!?

Getting off the phone the way we did tonight didn't feel right.

19 comments:

chele said...

You spoke non-stop for 30 minutes about how much you love him? I have two opinions:

(1) He's scared to death. That's a lot of pressure for a brother. Not that he doesn't love you but maybe he thinks he can't live up to your expectations.

(2) You're scared to death. Now that you've completely exposed yourself you're feeling all vulnerable ...

Did he elaborate at all as to why he minds you driving home?

N~Control said...

All I can say to this is I have been there!!!

I dont doubt at all what he feels for you, that is something you KNOW because of your connection. If you feel something is on his mind. Something is on his mind. When you have that soul connection with someone you can trust your instinct.

Pray about it, Pray for him. I find with men you have to allow them to sort things trough first. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he didn't call and say...Look, I do need you. Come on down.

Good Luck, and keep loving him.

JenellyBean said...

Good morning Sister Chele...

I think it may be oppinion number 2. Although I wouldn't say I'm scared, I could seriously be a bit more sensitive now that I let all those emotions out. Thus I feel vulnerable.

Maybe him turning me down bothered me so, b/c I figured after all I said to him and how it made him feel he would have loved for me to come and see him, unplanned. Especially when he knows that the next real available time to see eachother won't be until the end of January or maybe even early February.

I don't think it's op #1 b/c he has expressed things to me in the past. Not a full half hour of it all in one breath, but he has definately made me feel that I am very important to him and that he wants what we have to turn into something very serious. This and all that he does for me is what lead me to say all the things I said to him. So for him to feel as though he can't live up to my expectations is not something he is going through right now.

To answer your question, finally :-P , no he didn't elaborate on why he minded. He said he didn't know why he minded, but he minds and then we basically got off the phone. We were talking much later then we normally do and he had to rest for work.

Maybe he's down about something.
Me not knowing what it is is bothering me.
I love it when we're on the same wavelength and I hate it when we aren't.
:-\

JenellyBean said...

Good Morning N~Control....

I prayed on it last night.
Today is a new day.
We shall see how it goes.

Yes, he does need to sort things through. But what are the things? That's what I want to know.
Like sister Chele said I believe I'm feeling vulnerable and I'm sure when he figures out what the "things" are I will know too.

If he called and said that I would be delighted. :-D

That was a pleaseant closing.

"Good Luck and keep loving him"

Thank you N~Control that was sweet of you.

In the morning we normally send eachother a "Good Morning" text message asking about our sleep and if we had breakfast and wishing that we both have a good day. He didn't send me one b/c he knows I was sleeping in a litle late for work and I kinda didn't want to send him one b/c of how I'm feeling, but I'm gonna send it now. I'm gonna keep loving him. :-D

chele said...

I know you guys will be fine. Feeling vulnerable is normal and sometimes we (women) expect one reaction from a man and when we get something else we think the worst.

Um, do you know what happened to Beryl's blog?

JenellyBean said...

Okie, so I sent the text message:

"Good Morning baby. I was a little down last night after we got off the phone. I prayed to God that whatever was bothering you if he could help you deal with it or take it away from you. I still am a little down, but I know we all have our moments.

Did you eat breakfast?
Stay warm.
It's been snowing since last night so I have to leave a little earlier to get to work on time.
Muah!"

JenellyBean said...

Thanks sister Chele...
You are so very right, we women do do that.

I DONT HAVE THE SLIGHTEST CLUE WHERE MAMA BERYL IS!!!

She left me a comment last night and I went to visit her blog and it wasn't there.

I sent her an email asking her where in the world her blog went.

I was even thinking that maybe it was something I said. If you check the comments for my Happy New Year post you will see that I asked her if it was something I had said.

She hasn't emailed me back yet, but I'm waiting for it.

I just hope it wasn't me.
I told her I keep it real and she did tell me to be firm.

Mama Beryl WHERE ARE YOOOOU!?

JenellyBean said...

He responded to my text:

"Good Morning...yea we do have our moments. Thanks for the prayer. I just ate 2 sausage rolls that I got from the party last night. Did you eat? Did you work out? It's been raining since last night out here. Be careful driving and I hope you have a great day."

I'm happy now.

angeleyes said...

Guys tend to go through these phases where they feel they need a lot sorted out. Also, whenever something is bothering us, we females have a tendency to talk about it or to express ourselves cause we're a lot more expressive then men. Men struggle with that, even if something is bothering them, n they know they can come to us with their problems, it takes them awhile. They kinda have to go through this period (which I think you're coco puff is going through, or just clearing their head, before even attempt to let you know what is going through their head.

On top of all that, I do also think u could be feeling vulnerable cause of dropping your guard and expressing your emotions to him.

Just give him sometime, Ive learned that sometimes you just gotta let them be and not take it personal.

Trust me its hard, cause till today when sometihng like this happens with me and my bf, i automatically think the worst.

I think in time, you'll figure out what the real deal is.

Have you read the book, Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus?

JenellyBean said...

Hey Miss Laura...
How are you sister girl?

Thank you so much for that comment.
We all know that I love to talk so for him to still not be able to tell me what is bothering him is annoying. Especially after I had just turned my insides out to him.

Yea, I'll give him time to come around.... I haven't heard his voice today...I'm prideful at times...I'm not calling... If he's to come around I won't force it...I'm gonna let it be on his time.

I kmow he loves me and I know that it's not even as serious as I'm making it out to be.

I've heard about that book, but didn't care to read it b/c it was written by a white author, no offense to anyone, but Black Relationships are naturally different.

But seeing that you are not White and you are recommending this book to me, I can assume you read it.
How on point was it?

lyre said...

I pray that your worries are unjustified and he just needs time to soak in all the love you sent his way. Men kinda feel a bit afraid when we open everything to them. They need time to process all those female emotions. Just chill.
Oh! I do love you. You are young, smart and a tribute to young people everywhere. I look forward to you visiting my space and missed you over the holidays. We must plan a blogger holiday. Maybe Chele will take us with her to Las Vegas!!

chele said...

Maybe I'll take you to Las Vegas? No comment.

Jenell - You said that Black relationships were naturally different than white relationships. How so?

What the heck is a sausage roll? Sounds gross.

Stephen Bess said...

Jenell-
After reading this post there was one thing that came to mind...reflection. Maybe he is just taking stock of all that he has and all that he has with you. It's difficult because we are very complex as human beings. I do remember not being able to digest the love that some women were willing to give me when I was young. It was overwhelming because it didn't seem real. Maybe I felt that I didn't deserve it depending on what was going on with me at the time. I hope that he will think things over carefully and realize what a special woman that he has. I say that because there are many young/old women who are not able to express themselves the way you did. He'd better take advantage of all that rich chocolate. :)It takes a while for a good woman to come around like that again. It took me many years to find a woman that fits me. Best wishes to both of you.

JenellyBean said...

You are sooo sweet Mama Beryl...
Vegas? That sounds like a plan.

I see how it is Sister Chele...
we aren't worthy of going to Vegas with you?

Good question Sister Chele--thanks for asking.

I feel that Black relationships are naturally different then white relationships through our history.
The Black male looks very different in a sistas eyes then a white male does in a white womans eyes.

Through history Black men and women have always worked on very similar levels and due to prejudice and discrimination the Black man was never truly able to reclaim the dominant role in the family.

Unlike white people the white woman was always put up high on a pedastal where she could never be harmed. She was too high to clean her own home, too high to watch her own children, and too high that she was unreachable for her own white counterparts that they found it sport to rape Black women whom they considered sexual creatures.

Black women, through time, have developed a strong sense of independence where for the most part, having a husband at times can be very problematic. For white women dependency is their nature. It always has been and for them marriage is a necessity.

Don't get me wrong there are white women that step outside this circle,just like their are Black women that fall outside the circle I have put them in.

But for the majority I strongly believe our past has definately shaped our future.

Black men don't see marriage and family in the same light as white men.

Let me know what is ur take?

Now what is a sausage roll?
I don't know.
Coco Puff is Trinidadian, it's most likely a cultural food.

How touching Brother Stephen...
If I wasn't so much younger then you I'd marry you.
*wink wink*

It's really nice to hear what you have said. Your feedback is very important to me b/c it is from a Grown Man's perspective (No offense to all the very intelligent grown and young woman that have commented here), but we (woman) can never really know what in God's name is going on up in the brain of a man.

My Coco Puff knows what he has.
He is very thankful for me.
He told me this.

He also said that this little thing he is going through is him and not me.
I know he loves me
I just wish I could have some understanding.

For him to not have a reason to want to see me is troubling.
For him to not really want to converse with me is mind boggling.
I'm still praying....

TRUTHZ said...

maybe he needs space maybe all that stuff you said scared him...men are peculiar...

chele said...

Jenell -- First of all, you throw around the words "always" and "never" alot. Thank you for acknowledging that there are exceptions.

Secondly, I agree that our histories are very different and those differences shape our feelings toward relationships.

However, I also believe that everyone (Black and white) wants to be in a long lasting, committed, loving relationship -- we just don't all know how to go about getting that. And in that way we are the same.

I remember my second husband told me that it was my independence that first attracted him to me. Ironically, it was that same independence that made him feel emasculated and eventually caused him to look for someone else.

Regarding Black men and their attitudes toward marriage and family: my parents have been married for 38 years and my father is a Black man that has always been committed to his family. I have two brothers-in-law that are devoted to my sisters and their children. I know that GOOD Black men are hard to come by and I'm proud that I have so many examples right in my immediate family. They are the only reason why I believe that good men exist -- cause I can't tell by my track record! :)

Stephen Bess said...

Haa haa! :) Yeah, I could be your pappy if I'd decided to be a father at 18. I'm still flattered though. Thank you. **blush**

lyre said...

i still want to go to vegas.

Unconquerable Soul said...

I know I am soo late with posting a comment. I think he just need sometime that weekend without you. As someone that loves to be with the person i'm in a relationship with, I know how hard it is to realize that person needs more breathing room.

Not to mention, you laid a lot down on the 30mins I love you convo. Some men can't handle all that. Don't worry, from what i can tell your love is pure and that's UNCONQUERABLE.

Keep on pushin... you know i love y'all black love.. y'all got to be the will and jada, lol.. unbreakable

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