December 3, 2005


"You cannot have an irresponsible man if he was not allowed to be an irresponsible boy. Some women raise their daughters and love their sons. They require little of their sons in the areas of household duties: taking care of siblings, going to church, or doing well in school, while their daughters are expected to excel in these areas. These mothers are creating totally dependent men who will expect all women to do for them. Yet these boys are future husbands and fathers."

--Dr. Jawanza Kunjufu

I was raised.
My younger brother who is 16 yrs old was loved.
My baby sister who is 11 is being raised.

So sad that my little brother doesn't know how to do anything but surf the net and and play video games.
He has never had a job
He doesn't do chores and to get him to clean is a civil war in the house.
He is about to graduate High School with mediocre grades and I graduated 6th in my class of over 400.
He is irresponsible with a capital I and my father and step mother condone this behavior.
It is soo sad that this is the man someone will have to marry one day.
Why would my step mother raise her son to be a man that she would never want to marry.
Why isn't she preparing him to be an independent man?

But don't let Princess say anything to him.
I'm not his mother he says.
I'm your older sister and I WILL help raise your lazy behind.

I'll scream and yell if I have to, but there's no way you will put your dirty dishes in the sink and not wash it--GET YOUR LAZY ASS UP AND CLEAN!
I make him pick his clothes up off the bathroom floor after he has showered.
I make him throw away all his candy wrappers after he has eaten.

He is so dependent on my parents that I fear he will be one of them brothers that are dependent on women.
I want him to be a real man.

I know when I have children I must instill the essential values in each gender.

This post was inspired by a conversation I had with Sister Chele a while back.


chele said...

I agree 100%. While I admit that I need much help in this area, I am making progress:

I told my son that this summer he WILL get a job (he'll be 16) and he WILL take over one of the household bills.

He already does his own laundry and he keeps his room clean on his own.

Small steps ...

JenellyBean said...

Progress is great.

This book I'm reading has me thinking so much and when I read that quote I said to myself "Ive heard this before!" and then I remembered our convo in one of my older postings about the Black family.

All of this has me thinking about when I decide to rear my own children.

What will I do?
Will I make these mistakes?

I've spoken with my boyfriend about these issues and he doesn't feel that we would allow our son to grow up dependent b/c he (my boyfriend) is an only child and had to do EVERYTHING and he still does!

But my poor little brother.....

chele said...

I remember when my younger brother was 19. I came home for a visit and he was laying on my Mama's couch while she was in the back doing his laundry. I was hot. I told him to get off his behind and do his own daggone laundry. I told my mother that she should make him do his own laundry. You know what she said to me? "I don't tell you how to raise your son, don't tell me how to raise mine."

I shut the hell up after that.

Stephen Bess said...

Yes, that is a shame. My mother has always taught me and brothers how to cook and clean for ourselves. I was 13 when I was sent from the city to North Carolina. I was not required to do anything in the way of housework (cooking, cleaning, etc.) I was made to do more masculine chores (rake leaves, cut the grass, lifting and pushing).
I am now with an African woman who can appreciate the fact that I can do for myself because this is not common in her South African culture as you well know. Whenever we are at a function I have to make sure that she serves my needs or the older women will make a fuss.

Curious1 said...

This is definetly not preparation for the world we live in. My mama taught me these things n others I picked up by watching... They pay off cuz when u can fix ya self a hot plate, it's bangin n when u can do it for ya lady... Mad more plus points...

JenellyBean said...

I hear you Sister Chele...
I don't want to shut up though. I want to "fix" him into a responsible self reliant Black man. And as of yet, my Step Mother hasn't made any comments, just him. So I'm gonna keep pushing him.

Hey Stephen....
She is very blessed.
I love catering to my Coco Puff's needs eventhough I know he can do for himself.
Admit it....You LOVE it!

JenellyBean said...

Hello Brother Curious1...
Welcome and don't be a stranger.

"when u can fix ya self a hot plate, it's bangin n when u can do it for ya lady... Mad more plus points..."

Amen to that!

Would you believe my younger brother doesn't know how to make some damn Ramen Oodles of Noodles?

Anonymous said...

most women do not know how to raise a man and most of these so called fathers are boys themselves. And when the parents are seperated, some women don't allow the man to see his child, how can some real men teach their boys to become men if they are being stripped of the chance?

JenellyBean said...

Hey brother Dappa...
I hear you, but there are many more instances where the father is not willing to be a part of the childs life then instances where the mother is refusing him that right.

Either side of the fence children need both parents to be a strong part of their life. Boys and girls alike.

For a father to not be around both children are harmed.
Likewise for a mother to not be around both children are harmed.

I personally don't feel either child is hurt less.
And I dont personally feel that atleast having the mother around is better then at least having the father.

TRUTHZ said...

i used to do the same for my brother who is only a year younger in age but about 20 in maturity. i had to let him go; it got to a point that he,unlike your brother, is a GROWN A** MAN even if only in age and if he was happy being a lazy good for nothing leach, then who was i to stop him. when i made that choice, i alleviated a lot of unnecessary stress from my life.

now my baby boy who is two...i raise him and don't love him....i am still wonder if that is just as wrong

JenellyBean said...

Sister Truthz...

Are you sure you mean you don't love him or that you raise and dont just love him?

I mean, you do love your son right?

lyre said...

Getting in the conversation late but I have raised and loved 3 children. All are grown. All three are independent thinkers and and livers. None of them are just surviving. I love that. I dont remember making them work hard for their lives, but I did teach them all about consequences. I am big on that. I think that is the key. Letting them fall when they are lazy. Let someone outside the household tell him he stinks because his clothes arent clean.. That works everytime to get a lazy man or woman up off their buns and do something. And if it doesnt, there is something terribly wrong, mentally.

Jenellybean, Could there be a difference in your focus and your ability level? All people are different even coming from the same house.

I loved and raised all three the same I think, but we do have to prepare out children for the real world and how they will have to survive. In some respects, men have it easier than do women. so our girls need a bit more suring up, so that they are prepared for that no good man that might insinuate himself in her life.


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